Over the last couple of years, I’ve been putting a lot of effort into restructuring how my brain handles my day to day life. Life is too short to spend my time doing things that make me unhappy. That’s why on Thursday, when I realized how glad I was to spend time with Ezhno again after trying to distance myself from him for the past month, I let myself ponder the unthinkable: What if I kept him?
There’s a part of me that still thinks money is king, no matter how hard I try to squash it. It mistakenly believes that my happiness is directly tied to the size of my bank account. I like to think that it’s the same part of me that tears myself down in the saddle until I’m an anxious mess and gives me a mental seizure whenever I’m three strides out from an oxer. That part of myself is like a tumor: dangerous and ever growing, something I wish I could cut out with a scalpel, but instead I’ve been chemoing the hell out of it with “yes I can” and “everything will be fine” and “trust the horse”.
I’m not sure I’m in remission yet, but I’m feeling pretty damn close.
All of that introspection brought me to the legitimate question: Can I afford two horses?
Let’s get real, I don’t make a lot of money. I work part time as a tutor and do a little freelance work (most of it unpaid) on the side. All told, I think I probably make about $17,000 a year. (The Petty Tumor likes to give me a heart attack by comparing that tiny number to the $50,000 a year I used to make in IT back in early 2016, then shame me for choosing to leave that giant salary to find happiness. The Petty Tumor is rotten.)
An $800 a month bill for board is the equivalent to a punch in the gut. But I can afford it. It would be uncomfortable, but thanks to the generosity of my family I can afford two.
On Thursday I went to SEC for my lesson and blurted all of my thoughts out to TrainerM, as I’m wont to do whenever I have a horse related dilemma, and her immediate reaction was, “Do it. You ride more than almost anyone I know and if things change you can always sell him later.”
So, here we are. It’s Monday. I’m here. He’s here. The sun goes up, the sun goes down.